Desperately floating between worlds was tearing me apart. I felt stretched, thin. On one side was the familiar and comfortable life I knew and the other drew me nearer like a magnet. It looked exciting and at the same time frightening and foreboding, like a ’Punch and Judy’ puppet show before the curtains opened. You think you know what to expect, knowing that it’s meant to be fun, still, you know it’s likely to be ugly, yet you want the experience anyway. Separate from that fear, staying and continuing life as it had been for the last fifteen years terrified me. I couldn’t take back my revelation anyway, because it was true and if I did recant it would be a lie. I had to make a decision.
It was physically and mentally draining, struggling with the choice I needed to make and R was demanding a decision.
It was impossible and it was driving me near a dark edge over which I wanted to plunge.
Then.
One cool night, at the clothesline, I picked through the mess of clothes. The situation of the clothesline was symbolic of where I found myself emotionally. It was stretched between the brick wall and a post of the open verandah. The brick wall, to my right, was what I knew and was symbolic of the life I had created. On my left, the night beyond the verandah represented a life full of unknown possibilities which I was drawn toward as frightening as it was to me. The mess in the wash basket was symbolic of my predicament. I sorted socks from undies and shirts from blouses and so on and pegged them on the line. Somewhat automatically, yet focused, I worked through what I had in front of me. My energy was low and sad. I was subconsciously searching for an answer to the dilemma of choosing which path at the ‘crossroad’ I should choose. There was pain here, deep pain. This was the domain of suicide because there are moments when you convince yourself that not being in the world would be easier for everyone and the question of maybe ending it all is the easiest thing to do when there is no place for you.
My tears fell into the damp washing. Again I found myself in a dark well of melancholic seductiveness. As a familiar territory, I knew that if I remained there I wouldn’t have to move. It paralysed me and it kept me safe yet I knew it jailed me and it had to be temporary because there was no space to evolve.
Although I spoke no words and had no conscious thought of it, it was as if my internal stance and desperation to find an answer was like a prayer whispered to the heavens. Light fell on the moment. My hands stopped their work in the middle of the near-filled clothesline. In slow motion, I dropped my hands to my sides and stood back. My tears ceased as if the ability to cry was torn away because ‘emotion’ was too subjective for objective revelation. For a moment (which now stands in Eternity) I stood facing the metaphor of sorted clothes hanging on the line, staring my symbolic life in the face and the answer to the ‘choice’ hanging in front of me. I’d been battling a conflict between two paths not realising there was another option. Words came to my mouth as if they had always been there awaiting utterance, I said, ‘I Choose Me’.
No greater metaphoric ‘comfy chair’ can be sat in than the one that represents choosing yourself when all else seems impossible to satisfy. Life will go on around you and you can choose or not to respond. Naturally, as a sentient, intuitive being whose call is to evolve, you can’t sit around all the time and react, so there will be a call from within and without to stand up and be proactive to create your future. But, ‘comfy chairing it’ is highly appropriate when things seem confusing and impossible; even just to reflect and meditate.
Paradoxically, ‘selflessness’ finds itself in ‘selfishness’, just like ‘invulnerability’ finds itself in ‘vulnerability’. This means when you bring yourself to the centre of your life and BE your expression of life itself. Considering that we are birthed into families which for many of us are ‘baptisms of fire’ from within we need to ‘find’ ourselves there often comes times when we need to ‘take stock’ of ourselves to determine where we begin and others end. Being selfish, or I prefer ‘self-filled’ creates a stance of separateness from which you can build within and then become selfless.
Selflessness is a Divine act, but it isn’t if it’s coming from a depleted soul and spirit.
‘Self-filled-ness’ is an act of Self-Love toward Loving Unconditionally and being of Service to Others.
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